A Letter from Lily
by Smoky
Summary: James reflects on Lily's death, its causes and the duty he still owes to her soul. *shrugs* Just a little ditty I wrote when feeling pretty down. Please r&r. Or don't. It's up to you.
1. Tearing down what we build

DISCLAIMER: I disclaim everything.  
  
For the sake of clarity, a line of ~*~*~*~*~ etc. means either start/end flashback or change of scene. I'll try not to make it hard to understand.  
  
** A Letter from Lily ** Chapter One – Tearing down what we build  
  
James. For a moment, I could almost have looked at you as if you'd cared. There were tears streaming down my cheeks mixing with blood, one and the same. I closed my eyes and clenched my fists. All the time I felt the eternal struggle within my broken heart, my anguish clouding anything I had ever felt for you. Or perhaps my anguish and my love, like my blood and tears, were to each other akin. It could have been the other way around. You could have changed it. But as I fought my losing battle alone, each step of the way, you were never there.  
  
It took me two long years to discover that I had feelings for you. For what seemed like a complete different life before that, I'd gone through the world with you by my side as my loyal companion. Two long years in the making, and an eternity of agony was to be my reward.  
  
I tried to hate you, James Potter. Every moment I spent drowning in my own sorrows, watching you go about your life and leave me behind, I tried to imagine that I was the valiant soldier and you were nothing but a heartless bastard who was intent on driving me to my death. But now I realise I was wrong. Now, when it is too late, when I have fallen beyond salvation and you beyond my grasp. I could only hate myself – you had too strong a place in my heart. And so I drove myself to my own death.  
  
I hope my death changed something for you James. I hope you know now that I'd loved you even through everything you did, and I still love you now.  
  
I hope that one day you'll come back for me, when you see that this world and its people are nothing but lies.  
  
Love always,  
  
Lily.  
  
****************************  
  
James folded up the letter and slipped it back into his pocket, wiping away threatening tears.  
  
His and Lily's friendship, the budding relationship, the fight that split them, Lily's death… it had all happened so long ago. But every year since then, on the anniversary of her death, he read her letter, returned to where her blood was still stained on the concrete ground beneath the window. And each time he felt as though there was unfinished business for him, as though he owed something to her dead soul. Perhaps even now, it wasn't over.  
  
A tear had slid out from under James' eyelid. He let it roll down his cheek, closing his eyes and thinking back to that other life, remembering…  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The lights on the ceiling of the Great Hall were flashing neon, bathing the students in shades of green and red and blue. The wizard band, Drunken Phoenix, struck up a slow waltz and suddenly the lights dimmed.  
  
'C'mon Lils!' called James. He dragged her onto the dance floor.  
  
Lily giggled as they waltzed slowly to the music, weaving around other couples. She gave James a little peck on the cheek, causing him to go red.  
  
'Hee hee… you're cute Jamesie.'  
  
'Lily…' He felt the familiar prickle that he felt every time she told him that she loved him. He'd often thought she was joking but the more she said it, the more afraid he became that she was actually serious.  
  
They danced in silence for some time, as though a dark cloud had settled on the evening. Lily felt as though there was an anvil on her heart.  
  
When the song was over, she took James by the arm and dragged him outside.  
  
'Come on, let's go for a walk. I want to talk to you.'  
  
Outside the night air chilled their skin. There was a gentle buzzing of insects spiralling up towards the distant moon. Lily sat James under a tree where she put her arm gently around him, resting her head on his shoulder.  
  
'James, you… you know that we've been friends for some time now…'  
  
'…'  
  
'Well, I – since then I've felt like… I dunno… like I needed something more than that. Like…' She looked at him, obviously struggling with her words.  
  
'Spit it out.'  
  
'…I – I've told you that I … oh to hell with the preliminaries! I love you James, and I wanna know if you… what you feel.'  
  
James looked away in despair. He'd been afraid this was coming, and he didn't know how to let her down gently.  
  
There was a very long silence.  
  
'Er… James?'  
  
'Lily, I can't say it. I don't … I'm sorry, I just can't make myself love you.'  
  
Another very long silence. Then Lily got up and made to get away, but James grabbed her arm. With obvious effort, she turned back around to face him. The starlight reflected the tears shining against her cheeks and for a moment he wanted to take back what he had said.  
  
'I'm not angry at you James. Believe me.' She wrenched her arm out of his grasp and turned away. 'I just need some time alone.'  
  
James sank to his knees and watched her go. A dark cloud passed over the moon and in that instant he feared the future.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The classroom was crowded and noisy. James slunk in just moments before Professor Chuckles arrived for their Charms lesson. He sat at the table beside Lily.  
  
'Heya, Lils.' She did not look up. 'Um, Lily? Lily, I'm sorry about Friday. I'm sorry, okay?!' But she refused to acknowledge his presence. In truth she wanted to speak to him, but her heart told her that maybe it was better to suffer in silence.  
  
'Lily! Please talk to me!'  
  
'Mr. Potter!' called Chuckles. James stared down morbidly at his desk.  
  
That evening at dinner James flipped his beef steak back and forth across his plate, looking only vaguely interested in it. Peter, Sirius and Remus were extremely worried.  
  
'James? What's up? We noticed you haven't been talking to Lily lately, have you two had a fight or something?' He *chucked a Lily* [AN: that's a phrase, don't take it literally!!] and didn't answer. Finally after much poking and prodding he mumbled, 'It's nothing guys, just leave me alone. I'll be fine.' But they knew instantly that it was more than that.  
  
In the following weeks, Lily avoided James and James avoided Lily. Secretly she had been hoping that he would miss her and find out that he actually liked her, but over time she had come to abandon this ideal and quickly the silence between them grew colder.  
  
One day James was walking back to the common room to grab something from the dormitory before dinner. He passed Sirius in the hallway.  
  
'Dude! It's Remus' night tonight, you gonna be there?'  
  
'Sure man, meet ya there at six.' James grinned and turned around and was surprised to find himself face to face with Lily.  
  
'James we need to talk.'  
  
He paused and stared down at her.  
  
'Look, I'm sorry if I've been acting weirdly lately. It's just… there are things we need to talk about.'  
  
'So…?'  
  
'So I was wondering if – maybe we could go out sometime tonight, have a bit of a chat? I don't want to lose our friendship James. Please.'  
  
'Tonight? I … oh no…' James bit his tongue. Lily would get all pissy if he rejected her again, but he knew he needed to look out for Remus that evening. 'Lily I'm sorry I didn't plan this but I've got an appointment tonight. Honest.'  
  
Lily stared at him. Her face started to grow angry. 'Don't lie to me James.'  
  
'I'm not! I'm just…' But he had to stop, because he knew she didn't know about Remus being a werewolf and it probably wouldn't be wise to tell her. 'I've just got to… look after a friend. Believe me!'  
  
'I'm not stupid James,' snapped Lily with tears in her eyes. 'This is the second time you've rejected me and it's no coincidence. You're seeing someone aren't you?'  
  
'NO!'  
  
He wanted to convince her it was the truth, but how could he without *telling* her the truth?  
  
'—I don't want to hear it! I'm – I'm finished with you!' She ran off sobbing hysterically, and James had a creepy inkling of a deja vu.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The morning after their confrontation, James sat nervously in History of Magic glancing around. Students slowly trickled in and Professor Binns shut the door. There was no sign of Lily.  
  
'Have you seen Lily today?' he asked Susan Carey who was sitting behind him.  
  
'Nuh-uh. You know what, she wasn't even in the dorm this morning! Man, I heard she was in the toilets doing drugs or some other sh—er I mean stuff.'  
  
Drugs? thought James, confused. Lily's never done drugs! He stood up quickly and walked out of the classroom. Professor Binns didn't seem to even notice him. He skirted rapidly down the corridors, heading straight for Moaning Myrtle's toilets. Just outside the door he could hear very clear, quiet sobs. He pushed the door open and went in.  
  
'Lily? Lily I know you're in here. Come out.'  
  
'James you pervert! Get out of here! And leave me alone!'  
  
'No. Lily I wasn't lying about last night. I seriously had something important to do—'  
  
'Something that was more important than our friendship?'  
  
He sighed. It was harsh but true.  
  
'Look, all I want to say is I'm sorry. Okay? What more can you expect of me?'  
  
'James please! Go away! I'm not angry but… but if you go on like this I won't be able to stop it. You know my problem. I just can't stay around you anymore, okay? You've rejected me twice. Please, leave me alone. I can't take it. I'll deal with this alone.'  
  
'Lily…'  
  
'Please.'  
  
He turned around and walked out, silently closing the door behind him. Lily's behaviour was a complete puzzle to him, but he supposed that it was the crazy influence of love. Thank goodness he wasn't IN love. But he knew he had just lost a friend and a very big part of himself.  
  
****************************  
  
AN: Hmm. Not too good but not bad either, if I may say so myself. Just a product of my depressed mind. I'll finish this later. Please review for me, say whatever you like, I don't mind.  
  
  
  
Smoky 


	2. The one you can't have

DISCLAIMER: (I'm a little happier right now so this chapter'll sound weird…) The idea of the 'yes sir no sir' line comes from my friend Aurora! And Ms. Johns is a real person. Well, a fictional person based on a real person. Yes Aurora, this is one for you and Rhonda since Maissin's already been taken!! :P  
  
VERY IMPORTANT AN: This chapter discusses a little about one of the characters being gay. I don't mean this to be offensive or hurtful to anyone, and I'm not discriminating against gay people at all. Okay?  
  
**A Letter from Lily** Chapter Two – The one you can't have  
  
'James Potter, have you done your homework?'  
  
'Yes sir no sir three bags full sir!'  
  
It was coming up to the Easter holidays and there was a strong sense of rebellion amongst the students. Professor Chuckles' face went the colour of a tomato and it looked like he was going to hit James but then he clenched his fist into balls.  
  
'That's it. If you say that line to me one more time you'll be sorry, Potter.'  
  
'Yes sir no sir three bags full sir!'  
  
The class giggled. Chuckles just stared at him, then gave up and let them play games. James sat at his desk bored. Remus, Peter, and Sirius were all in the hospital wing sick (he was suspicious and a little worried about the fact that they were all in at the same time), and Lily was alone at her desk brooding. Lately she looked exhausted and depressed and there were rumours that she'd been caught in the toilets hacking at her wrists.  
  
James turned around in his seat and saw Joan Johns sitting behind him. She was a chubby short little girl with a mop of blond hair, but he thought she was quite cute. [AN: Johns? Cute?? Over my dead body!!! :P]  
  
'Hey there hun, what's your name?'  
  
'Joan.'  
  
'What's your first name?'  
  
'Joan.'  
  
'Joan Joan. Uh-huh…'  
  
'No you idiot!' said Joan with a big silly grin on her face. 'My name's Joan Johns. Stop teasing me!'  
  
'Ah… you're quite a cutie, aren't you? Wanna meet up sometime in the hols?'  
  
She looked taken aback by his directness.  
  
'Oh… okay… but I—'  
  
'GREAT!' The bell went and they shuffled out of class. James winked at Joan but had to be careful in case Lily saw him. She might have snubbed him but he still didn't want to hurt her feelings.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
[AN: End of flashback]  
  
The early rising sun threw a golden gleam into the pastel-coloured dawn sky. James felt teary and detached from the morning. He didn't want to have to face the rest of the day, having thought what he had already, reminiscing the death of possibly his best friend, and even worse remembering the chilling feeling that so much of it had been his fault.  
  
Over the ensuing Easter holidays he had met up with Joan several times and each time he had felt himself taking a very strong liking to her. She'd seemed distant, but he had put this down to her being nervous and shy. In the end though it turned out that she'd only stuck with him to be nice. [AN: Johns? Nice?? That, too, over my dead body!!!! :P]  
  
He closed his eyes again, determined to finish the dark story.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
On the train back to school, James sat beside Joan in the carriage, holding her hand in his lap. He delicately stroked her soft fingers, slid his arm around her, felt her tense slightly before relaxing.  
  
'Joan,' he said seriously. 'We've been… out a few times now and I was wondering if there was any chance of a…' He moved closer and brushed his cheek against hers. [AN: (shudder) this is getting more frightening by the moment] '…Any chance of a first kiss?'  
  
'Oh!' cried Joan. She leapt away from him. 'I, I … nature's calling! I've gotta go… sweetie… seeya at Hogwarts okay?'  
  
'Joan, wait—!'  
  
She hurried out the door. 'Will talk about it at school, okay!?'  
  
James stared bitterly after her.  
  
'Stupid bitch!'  
  
  
  
After the Welcoming Feast that evening, James met Joan in a deserted corridor on the way to the common room.  
  
'Hey baby!'  
  
'Oh, uh – James! Hi!'  
  
He threw his arms around her and she flopped against him like a saggy doll.  
  
'So what about that—' But he stopped as he saw Lily come around the corner and stare straight at them. Her jaw dropped open. Quickly he let go of Joan.  
  
'Why, Lily! How… nice to see you.'  
  
'JAMES! Oh James, you…!'  
  
'Now look here Lily,' he said gently. 'When you said that I was supposed to leave you alone, I assumed that I'd be free to get on with my own life. You *know* I don't love you Lily… is it so wrong for me to love someone else?'  
  
Lily opened and closed her mouth a few times. 'You're – you're so self- centred James Potter!' Her anger was weak, as though it lacked effort. She dropped her head and walked away.  
  
'So, er, Joan…' James was quick in turning back. 'You said we'd discuss the kiss at school. So what about it?'  
  
'Oh no no Jamesie, please, not now, I – I've got to brush my teeth! Yes, that's it.' She escaped before James could question her but he could not escape the feeling that she was deliberately avoiding him.  
  
One sunny afternoon James was playing wizard chess with Sirius in the common room, but his heart wasn't in it. His mind kept wandering back to Joan. He hadn't met up with her for two weeks now and he missed her like hell.  
  
He stood up. 'Sirius, get Remus to finish up for me, I've gotta do something, okay?' Off he went in search of little Ms. Johns.  
  
He found her sitting under a tree by the lake reading a thick boring Muggle Science textbook. For a few moments he stood over her but she didn't notice him.  
  
'Ahem.'  
  
'Oh! Ah… hi James. I—'  
  
'No, don't you go anywhere. This isn't fair. You've been avoiding me and I'm just trying to have a relationship with you!'  
  
'Yeah right. Look James…'  
  
'How do I know you're not seeing someone else?'  
  
'Do I look like I've been humping lately?'  
  
'… Er – no (not that I like to think about that but anyways), but you definitely haven't been in one place with me whenever I'm around. Tell me the truth! What's with you always hot-footing it!?'  
  
Joan thought for a moment then pulled a stupid-looking angry face. 'The truth? You want the bloody truth? Okay, I'll tell it to you. The truth is gonna hurt you but you asked for it, Big Bird.'  
  
'Yes, well…?'  
  
'I'm gay. And I love your Lily friend.'  
  
James stared at her in stunned silence.  
  
'Joan… Oh Joan! I thought you loved me!!'  
  
'Well that's too bad, sucker.' She walked away, leaving James sobbing under the tree.  
  
He wondered if Lily knew about this. He cried and cried because he felt that his whole life had come undone over one single girl who in the end never loved him anyway, but more so because he finally felt guilty about abandoning Lily especially now that Joan had entered the equation…  
  
'You – you ugly BEAST!' he yelled angrily after her. Suddenly this was all just too much to take.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
For several days James was brooding. Sirius, Remus and Peter had taken to teasing him about Joan, and he grew incredibly snappish. How ironic, he thought, that his first love loved the one with whom he had split with over her. He was stumbling blindly down the corridor thinking these thoughts when suddenly he bumped into someone. It was Lily.  
  
'James…'  
  
'Oh Lily…'  
  
'What's up with you? That *girlfriend* of yours dump you?'  
  
'Shut up! It's not like that… it never was…'  
  
Lily's face softened and she looked gently at him. 'So what's the matter?'  
  
But at that moment all the rage, pain, hurt, love and confusion that James felt built up into a big ball in his chest and, longing to let it out, he directed it into a savage anger at Lily.  
  
'It's none of your business! Go away Lily!'  
  
'I'm just trying to help you! Jeez…'  
  
'You shout at me twice for trying to help you. And then you wonder why *this* is happening. You're a stupid jerk, Lily Evans!'  
  
'And you too, James Potter! I can't imagine how I put up with you for three whole damn years!'  
  
'Why you—!' James lunged at Lily's throat. They screamed and clawed at each other.  
  
'Take that, you son of a—'  
  
'No way in hell, you f—'  
  
'Uunnngghhh!!!' James slapped Lily across the cheek. Suddenly the portrait hole swung open and in clambered James' friends, followed by Susan Carey and Robyn Gesen, who were part of Lily's gang.  
  
'ARRRRRGGGHHH!!!!!'  
  
'Stop it you two! NOW!'  
  
Susan and Robyn rushed over to drag Lily away while Sirius and Peter yanked on James' arm.  
  
They fell apart, glaring daggers at each other and making rude gestures.  
  
'I hate you Lily!'  
  
'And I hate you James!'  
  
Their friends noticed, however, that both of them were crying bitterly.  
  
  
  
But from that day out, Lily and James had finally hit rock bottom and ignored each other completely.  
  
****************************  
  
AN: (shudders) "Yick", what a disgusting chapter. I've definitely got writer's block. But I've got the next chappie all planned out and I'll stick it up soon. In fact I think I'll do it now. So… please tell me what you guys thought of this! And flame if you're really sad enough to. I don't care.  
  
Smoky 


	3. Parallel Misery

VERY IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: The scene of Lily's death was partially though not wholly borrowed from the Anachronox cinematic which portrays Fatima's death (the dialogue, mostly). I don't think a lot of you would understand what I'm talking about but that's still important for me to disclaim. So there.  
  
By the way, ---------------------------- means a change of scene between James and Lily. As the chapter title suggests, they are in "parallel misery" which means that most of this is happening at the same time.  
  
**A Letter from Lily** Chapter Three – Parallel Misery/Alone Alike in Heart and Mind  
  
James sat curled up in a ball on top of the toilet. It stank in here but he felt safe and secure. Uncomfortable, but secure. Hidden from the world and his feelings.  
  
After the fight with Lily, he had seriously considered suicide. Little did he know, so had she.  
  
---------------------------------  
  
'Come on Lilzy! Cheer up, you'll get over him.'  
  
Susan looked gently down at the brooding girl. She rested a hand on her shoulder.  
  
'Cheer up. Please! Just gimme a smile, honey!'  
  
Lily smiled weakly, but it was gone in a flash. She looked pitifully up at her friend. 'I can't Susan, okay? Maybe I don't look like I'm trying but I am. It's not exactly the easiest thing in the world to get over him. For goodness' sake! I've loved him for like, a year!'  
  
'She's right.' Robyn took Susan's arm and steered her away. 'Let's give her some time alone.'  
  
'Thanks Rob,' Lily mumbled.  
  
---------------------------------  
  
On the back of the toilet door were scrawled a few love messages, and a little verse that read "Keep your friends close, and your enemies even closer". James dropped his head onto his knees. Lily was his enemy now, wasn't she? That meant she should be closer to him than any friend. But as friends on speaking terms, they had been as close as two petals on a flower.  
  
'Sirius?' he called. Sirius should have been in the next cubicle. There was no answer. He bashed his head against the wall and wept. It was strange for a guy like him to cry so much, but Lily had been so close to him that he couldn't help feeling sick about the split. And besides that, he was pining harder than ever for Joan.  
  
How he longed for those days when they used to talk and laugh together! What stopped them from apologizing? Maybe they still had a chance. But something dark and impossible had come between them.  
  
---------------------------------  
  
Lily had been alone for some time. She wondered where James was and what he was feeling. Did he miss her? She missed him, both as a friend and as the one she loved.  
  
'Robyn?' she called, finally unable to bear the loneliness. The little blond-haired girl came to sit beside her. 'Robyn, I… I think James and I might still have a chance. Maybe if we could just apologize to each other! And then maybe we could start over, but…'  
  
Her friend was silent for a moment. 'I think… this is just what I think… maybe it's your pride that stops you guys from saying sorry.'  
  
'You know what? I think you're right…'  
  
Lily sat silently looking out the window. Her entire being ached and it felt as though every escape was cut off. The weekend perhaps was bearable, when she didn't have to look upon James and restrain herself from him, but come the next few hours, and she would have to sleep to greet a new school day…  
  
She began to cry. In her head was the image of James holding Joan. Seeing that brought another fresh wave of pain and then she knew there was no turning back.  
  
---------------------------------  
  
James stared blankly at the wall. I want you Joan, oh God I want to hold you he thought, his eyes going weepy again. But I can't have you… why is life so ironic?  
  
The screaming in his head was getting worse. Finally he kicked down the door and went off to find his mates. He couldn't bear the loneliness anymore.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The sun was higher now, as James remembered his return to his friends. He had been unable to take it alone, just sitting there brooding about Lily and Joan. The others had taken him back quite readily, determined to cheer him up. And it had actually worked for a while. But four fateful days later, he had received an emotional letter from one of Lily's friends, Robyn, and inside that envelope was one from Lily herself…  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Lily stood poised, high above the grounds, high above the world. The setting sun threw magnificent purples and pinks across the sky, highlighting orange streaks in her flaming red hair. A gentle breeze whipped her fringe across her face, locks of death brushing her cheeks.  
  
She fingered the letter tucked neatly into her palm, her heart aching.  
  
'I know you don't feel anything for me…' she whispered into sunset. Tears glistened in her eyes.  
  
'The fact is, we both love people we can't have.'  
  
She bowed her head, thinking of Joan but not in hate. There was no more room in her heart for hate.  
  
'I just can't spend my life around you anymore.  
  
'I guess now is as good a time as any to make my escape.'  
  
The wind rustled her hair again, and fresh tears sprung to her eyes. Where was James? she wondered. It no longer mattered. She climbed up onto the balcony, and sat there astride for a few last moments.  
  
Her heart whispered, now is the time. Say goodbye to the world. Embrace your death.  
  
'Have a beautiful life, James…'  
  
And with that she flung herself off, falling like a broken bird, soaring in her special way while the fading sunlight glistened with tears around her body.  
  
She landed with a thud on cold hard concrete, enduring a long moment of pain before she smiled slowly and drifted off into blissful, black oblivion…  
  
The letter remained clutched tightly in her lifeless hand.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
He had been there for quite a while now. The sun was beginning to throw its setting shades on another day of his life. James reread the fresh ink on the letter in his hand, and knew what he had to do. There was a strange calm clarity in his heart.  
  
He stood out on the balcony where, three or so years ago, Lily had fallen to her death. A tear slid down his cheek and he made no effort to wipe it away.  
  
Lily's letter was in his pocket now, close to his heart. In his hand he held the reply. But it needed more than that; he owed a great deal to Lily's soul, to settle the chaos and turmoil that was their broken relationship, the pain in his heart over what had passed.  
  
He still loved Joan, but she was out of the equation now. He owed this to Lily…  
  
He climbed up onto the railing, looking out over the ground below. How Lily had dared fall this way, he did not know. The sunlight caught his glasses on a strange angle, beaming light into his eyes. The wind whipped his hair into his face. He posed there for a moment, might and strong, then let go…  
  
He felt a sudden jolt and an intense pain in his head. A whiteness threatened to engulf him. There was a gentle warm touch caressing his cheek, the musical voice of an angel whispering in his ear…  
  
'James, you came back…'  
  
Through the pain he smiled, feeling eternity pass around him.  
  
'I love you Lily…'  
  
****************************  
  
Dearest Lily,  
  
This life we led was but a mere lie  
  
In honest good heart I bid it goodbye  
  
I realised all we'd thrown away once it was too late  
  
So I come back to join you  
  
in love and in fate  
  
Love,  
  
James  
  
****************************  
  
AN: Ahh, how's that for a fic/author ending! I couldn't think up a longer letter for Jamesie so I wrote that crap poem, maybe I write a better one when I have time. Please review for me guys!  
  
cyaz l8r!  
  
Smoky the suicidal freak 


End file.
